Conflict Algebra

Watching dysfunctional conflict offers a lot of useful information.  I myself have had many fruitless arguments- trying to be heard and forcing a point.  It ends with drama, little resolution, and feelings of hurt and anger.

Let me introduce you to “conflict algebra.”
Person 1:             Issue A: “Why don’t you be more considerate?”
Person 2:             Issue B: “You always do this, complaining about everything I do!”
Person 1:             Issue C: “It’s time for you to see what you do to others.”
Person 2:             Issue D: “This is ridiculous; I didn’t do anything wrong.”
Person 1:             Issue E: “We’ve been through this again and again.  I’m tired.”

Here are five statements with five different underlying issues being brought up.  No resolution.  When communication attempts to force another person to listen and does not address the root issue, not only will there be no resolution, but the other person will become hardened, lose trust, and develop resentment.  Over time, this destroys relationships.

So what is healthy communication?  At a basic level, it is relaying a message and/or information from one conscious being to another- and to be fully functional, it is understood on both sides (not necessarily agreed with).  Communicating well is an art we often don’t see modeled in everyday conversation.  When I consider front-and-center examples, there are a lot of truly terrible models:

Movies/TV.  Magic relationships- amazing how they just happen, huh?  (Check out the actual follow-up track record of relationships in shows like The Bachelor or The Bachelorette).

Politicians.  With the goal of elevating a campaign or agenda (this isn’t necessarily bad), rarely do we see politicians truly attempt to understand another person or party’s position.  The name of the game is defeating the opponent.

Marriages/Families.  Who hasn’t seen the wreckage of a dysfunctional family?  This includes the “cold shoulder,” avoidance of important issues, abuse, shaming, and so forth.

Business.  Where the love of money is present, so will there be control, inappropriate manipulation, and abuse.  A business might be “successful” utilizing these things, but relationships will not be.

Here’s the good news: WONDERFUL examples of strong communication exist.  Just like the disciplined athlete, the savvy entrepreneur, or the skilled musician, it takes work.  It takes practice.  It takes failure.  If being able to do conflict- and do it well- is the best predictor of marital relationship success (ala Drs. John and Julie Gottman), there is wisdom in this for all relationships.  Get communication down well, and you will not be disappointed with the effort it takes.  There are a lot of ways to do this.  Acknowledge the need for help, read a book, listen to a talk, go to counseling, talk to a pastor, or find a person to mentor you.  Something different is needed in order to get a different result.  Best wishes to you!
Yours truly,
~Justin

The Hurried Spiritual Life

This post has been updated and moved to my professional website.  You can find it here: www.justinkhughes.com.

Avoiding the Issue

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways” (1 Corinthians 13:11, The Bible, ESV).

M. Scott Peck, in his work The Road Less Traveled, explained with surgeon-like precision how people deal with problems and pain.  He notes that discipline is the ‘base camp’ of what’s needed to solve life’s problems.

“What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one.  Problems, depending upon their nature, evoke in us frustration or grief or sadness or loneliness or guilt or regret or anger or fear or anxiety or anguish or despair.”  “…It is for this reason that wise people learn not to dread but actually to welcome problems and actually to welcome the pain of problems.  Most of us are not so wise” (Peck, 1978, pp. 14-16).

There are an infinite number of ways to avoid dealing with our problems.  Sigmund Freud was one of the first to categorize these avoidances, calling them “defense mechanisms.”  In other words, these are adaptive reactions to circumstances that are used outside of a healthy context.  Some examples that most people have heard of are denial and rationalization.  “My boyfriend beats me, but it’s not that bad.”  “I can’t believe in a God who would let me lose my mother to cancer.”  “Alcohol is not a problem; I haven’t had any legal issues.”

“This tendency to avoid problems,” notes Peck again, “and the emotional suffering inherent in them is the primary basis of all human mental illness.  Since most of us have this tendency to a greater or lesser degree, most of us are mentally ill to a greater or lesser degree, lacking complete mental health” (1978, pp. 16-17).

Many, if not all, mental health disorders relate to forms of avoidance.  The paranoid person ends up avoiding the truth about others’ thoughts/opinions.  The depressed person will avoid ways they need help.  The anxiety-ridden person will avoid the pain of facing anxiety head-on.  [Side note: just because you face these things does not mean it is your fault.]  An old adage says, “What you resist, persists.”  In an effort to strive for mental health, we must strive for the truth about ourselves, others, and God- and then face it.

“…Let us teach ourselves and our children the necessity for suffering and the value thereof, the need to face problems directly and to experience the pain involved” (Peck, 1978, p. 17)

-Yours truly

Justin

All quotations- unless otherwise noted- are taken from M. Scott Peck, M.D. The Road Less Traveled (1978), pp. 15-17.

Stages of Change

Why won’t they change??!!

True, long-lasting change is based on a re-orientation of a person’s heart attitude and approach. This can’t be forced. Few people like to change under compulsion.  I actually haven’t met one.  People that are so passive that they let others force transformation usually hold onto their beliefs internally, ending up with resentments, bitterness, depression, or hopelessness. However, understanding how people change can offer assistance personally and with inspiring others.

Let me introduce you to the concept of “Stages of Change.”  It is one of the prevailing theories/applications in psychology, based on the work of Prochaska and DiClemente.

In their research, they have looked at everything from changing behaviors concerning medical problems to addictions. Timing is important; when someone is not ready, they are not going to change.  A person “buys in” to change when they are at one of several points: a) interested or concerned, b) convinced the benefit is greater than the cost, c) have a plan, d) are committed, and e) finally take action and uphold change.

The basic concept of Stages of Change is that a person will fall into one of five categories with regard to making a change:

Precontemplation (Not Ready): No intent or totally unaware.

Contemplation (Considering): Considering change.

Preparation (Ready): Moving towards change and possibly taking small steps.

Action (Work):  Working on change, taking steps.

Maintenance (Growth/Maturity): Applying long-term consistency.

Conceptualizing this, you and I can save a lot of energy and gain some wisdom in approach- that relationship where you have cried or yelled or shut down; your teenager you want to respect you; the boss with the thick skull.  You can know where to spend your time and energy (with yourself AND others) when you look through this lens. For example, if you want your spouse to “get you” and show better understanding, are you wasting time telling them again and again what you want? Someone at the contemplation stage will respond MUCH differently than someone at the action stage.

It wouldn’t be a blog of mine if I didn’t ask about personal responsibility: How is the pursuit of changing others wasting time and energy and possibly harming your relationship?  Where do YOU need to place your focus?

– Justin

In Pursuit Of A Better Mood: When Psychology Misses the Point

Are you “addicted” to having a good mood?  The all-out fascination with having a good mood might be distracting you from living meaningfully.

What is your highest priority?  Relationships?  Money?  Status?  Fun?  God?  Adventure?  Let’s get honest- if pushed and prodded, what is your greatest care?  What do you spend the most time thinking about?

Too often, we are sold a shallow mantra: “As long as you’re happy.”  “Do whatever makes you feel good.”  Much of advertising, promotion, and sales center on these mantras (including counseling).  From landscaping to love, if we can feel better as a result, why not do it?

The problem is, the elusive search for the “holy grail” of our lives can often end bitterly.  Why?  People often don’t get happy by pursuing it alone.  Happiness doesn’t come as a result of selfish hoarding (just type in “research on happiness” in a search engine).  People who only care about their happiness have a name- they’re called narcissists and self-absorbed.  I have been- and can be- this type of person.  There is a better way.

Psychology, though I love it so, misses the point when it answers life’s biggest questions with: “Does it make you happy?”  How about, “Who am I?”  “What do I want to be known for?”  “What is God’s will?”  “What is my purpose?”

Don’t let yourself be reduced to a bottom-feeder by taking what comes your way.  Look deeper.  You are valuable and fascinating and unique and amazing.  YOU.  Created in God’s image.  Filled with purpose.  Now go get ’em.

Attracting Bad Relationships: How You Become a Jerk-Magnet

How did this happen again?  Do I have a sign on my face that says, ‘Take advantage of me’? 

A common counseling topic is addressing habitual and self-destructive patterns in relationships.  For the person that keeps getting stuck and attracting the same jerk over and over again, I have good news: there are clear, identifiable characteristics that actually do make you a magnet for certain types of people.

Addictions, compulsive, and impulsive behavior.  Each of these keep us from feeling true emotions; they insulate us from reality.  And in so doing, they keep us from seeing things as they truly are.
Betrayal Bonds and patterns of abuse.  In the classic work, Betrayal Bonds, renowned addiction specialist Dr. Patrick Carnes poignantly notes that people who experience trauma in relationships (and who don’t deal with the trauma) are often bound in some way to the same person/type who deeply, and often repeatedly, hurts them.
Codependency.  A person who is codependent finds their identity in fixing others and ensuring everything goes well.  In so doing, they often lose their own sense of self and boundaries.  See Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Cognitive distortions.  If you have harmful thought patterns that are not based in truth, you won’t be in touch with what’s really going on or what is actually needed to be healthy.  See Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns.
Depression.  Low motivation and energy along with hopelessness all make healthy decisions difficult, especially if another person fills a void.
Lack of Direction or Spiritual Anchor.  Confusion as to who you are and what you are doing with your life goes hand-in-hand with picking the wrong person.  If you don’t know who you are, how can you express yourself and be understood?
Law of Complementary Personalities.  The saying, ‘opposites attract,’ often is true when it comes to negative relationship styles.  For example, a passive person pairs with an aggressive person, often attracted to their leadership (or on the flip side, attracted to how easy-going the other is).  Someone who is pathologically controlling must find someone who can be pathologically controlled.  The two fit together like sweet tea on hot Texas day.
Learned Helplessness.  Elephants who are originally chained down will later believe they can’t escape when they only are held by a flimsy rope connected to a stake in the ground.  Have you learned helplessness?  Do you stay in a relationship because you don’t think it will get any better, or because it would get a lot worse if you made changes?
Love Addiction.  When a person is addicted to the “high” of falling in love, often they miss important signs and signals and get into unhealthy relationships.  Check out Pia Mellody’s Facing Love Addiction.
Poor Emotion Management.  Not knowing how to identify and regulate emotions leads to a lack of self-control and direction.
Training.  I love the phrase: We train others how to treat us.  Examples are letting people into your personal space, not letting someone know they’ve harmed you, and not telling others your wants/needs.  All of these train others.  Do you stand up for respect and honor for yourself and others?
Self-Esteem Issues.  If we look hyper-negatively at ourselves, any person who seems to boost our self-view will make do.
Self-sabotage.  Due to insecurity, a person fears getting something good, so they inadvertently or intentionally damage opportunities.  Too much potential threat is involved.
Toxic Shame.  If you consistently see your value as worthless, you won’t make decisions to secure respect and love.  A great read on this is John Bradshaw’s work, Healing the Shame That Binds You.

 

These are just a beginning.  Knowing underlying patterns is only a start to changing them.  If you see yourself in these descriptions, write it out and talk to a trusted person about what you want to change.  After all, acknowledging a problem is the BIG first step.  If you need more help, this is why counselors exist!

Spiritual Growth For The New Year

Complacency is not befitting of spiritual growth.  That’s why I ask myself several questions that I hope you’ll consider asking yourself.  These are not new questions.  Philosophy and Theology have asked several core and BIG questions like these for centuries:

How do you know that what you know is true (epistemology)?

Where did I come from (ontology)?

What is my purpose (teleology)?

What happens to me when I die (eschatology)?

What if I’m wrong (humility)?

What am I willing to stake on it?  Can I afford to be wrong (risk)?

What has shaped my views- family, culture, practicality, spiritual transformation, comfort, hurt, success (influence)?

Could I be wrong (probability)?

Does what I believe in accomplish what it promises (congruency)?

Is there a Higher Being in the universe (theology)?

Am I being honest (honesty)?

Effective Communication

From a counseling perspective, when I study communication between politicians, businesses, and portrayals in the media, I often shake my head.  It’s pretty bleak.  Some of the very same dysfunctional communication that happens in unhappy and unsuccessful relationships is often present in these environments- and shown as an example.

Effective communication, like most anything else of value, takes work and practice.  Unfortunately, a lot of models of communication from environments like those listed above are about winning and being “one-up” from another person.  You will never get very close to another if this is your stance.  True intimacy is knowing someone and being known by them- not putting another down, trying to win, or being “right.”    

When I was a counseling intern, I was struck by a question my supervisor posed to a client in group therapy: “Do you want to win the argument or keep your spouse?”  Good question.  What are our priorities?  It’s a good idea to look at them.  Because whatever you ultimately are seeking will come through in your communication patterns.  Do you truly seek to understand, to know, and to connect?  Or are you trying to win, to defeat, and to be the big-shot?    

  

Here’s a few helpful pointers on assertive and kind communication:

-Mutual respect (their thoughts/feelings matter, and so do yours)

-Reflect (share) what you think you heard

-Strive to understand what the other REALLY means

-Ask lots of questions

-Be concise, if possible

-Say no when it’s called for

-Be direct

-If reasonable, thank the person for sharing

-Let another person know they are important

-To love and care for another requires that you set healthy boundaries

-Ask the other person how you can approach something

-Use “I” statements (saying “you,” especially in conflict, often comes across as blaming)

-Remember you are human– be patient with others as they are, too

 

 

Hear me talk on internet radio this Mond

Hear me talk on internet radio this Monday the 5th at 12:40 p! Topic: Effective Communication. #MoneyForLunch http://ow.ly/eZ83T

How Do I Change Somebody?

How do I change somebody?  I often ask this question in my therapy groups at a psychiatric hospital.  Quite insightfully, I actually hear most people respond with, “You can’t.”  That’s right. 

Often, it hurts us deeply to see someone struggling, suffering, anguishing- especially if we think we have an answer or solution.  But here is a difficult principle to swallow, but a necessary one: If a functioning adult chooses to be unhealthy or ill, we cannot stop them.  Not accepting this will lead us to get “sick” ourselves and join in the “crazy-making.” 

We can change ourselves, though.  And an effective way to motivate change in others is to influence them.  Think of a difficult relationship you are in or have had.  Then think of it like two gear cogs.  As long as you are engaged with the “craziness,” it continues in both people like gears spinning out of control.  But if one person steps back and changes, it automatically alters the dynamic.  The other person HAS to change if they want to stay engaged with you.  In other words, if you approach something differently than normal, the other person has to do something different- it cannot stay the same- even if the change means that they refuse to be different and you don’t allow yourself to be controlled.