Happy September (Recovery Month)! School’s back in session and vacations are over for many. If you’re like most, you’ve been seeing everyone’s summer pics on facebook and Instagram. While you might expect this post, written by a Professional Counselor, to talk about the influence of social media on self-esteem or depression, I want to invite you into a more personal journey- one of compulsive behavior, learning, and communication.
The Back Story
My days started to become more efficient at work; I found creative ways to engage or disengage with people; I was less stressed over the high dose of negative news I was seeing; I let go of the pressure of having to keep up with posting or needing to respond; I focused on the core things that mattered as opposed to the (look, a SQUIRREL!) distractions.
I began to see how compulsive I had become, even a little dependent. I felt fear about missing out on something. I got a “hit” (or high) from that next new message or like or share in my notifications. I had worried if someone didn’t respond soon enough.
The Addiction Framework
Even though a year break taught me about my personal misuse of social media, don’t expect a crusade AGAINST social media from me today. As much as I benefited from my “vacation,” there were a few things I missed out on, too. I overlooked a few announcements (sorry for missing that birthday heads-up). I lost a bit of connection to the world around me. In essence, some communication was actually stunted for me. And I missed out on a little healthy distraction I find encouraging.
The Rest of the Story
The modality of communicating by tech IS effective and helpful for many. We can complain all day about children not learning to communicate well because they “can’t even” (and I do believe that is a concern to be aware of as a parent). However, social media can be helpful.
Social media is a communication platform. Whether we like it or not, things like social media are the new telegram or front porch conversation of years ago. And they don’t appear to be going away any time soon, only adapting and changing.
As with many things in this world, the actual vehicle of social media may be relatively neutral- what makes it egocentric, compulsive, and harmful OR helpful and relational, is likely thepurpose and motivation and heart behind its use. I want to be “linked in” to the latter so I can live free, not compulsively.
You’re surrounded by setpoints every day. They literally keep you alive. One of them is your set body temperature. If your body drops or rises a mere 15% beyond your core temperature, death occurs. Think of a setpoint like a reference point, a sort of boundary. Medically, it’s called homeostasis. The body regulates internal functioning (temperature, blood flow, oxygen) despite external circumstances. The body is always seeking homeostasis. So is the brain. And you can intentionally take charge for your mental, emotional, and relational health.
In our bodies, we break out in a fever when something is wrong- which is one way the body makes conditions unfavorable to viruses and bacteria- because they are temperature sensitive. In addicts, their brains have faced an onslaught of dopamine rushes- and the brain counters it by producing less dopamine to balance out- even sometimes ELIMINATING dopamine receptors. This is the brain naturally seeking to turn down a party that’s gotten too loud.
Balanced functioning (homeostasis), whether biological, technological, or psychological, will involve three interdependent elements that help reach homeostasis- all centered on a setpoint:
- Receptor– A sensing component that observes changes in the environment. The receptor then sends information to the Control Center.
- Control Center– determines an appropriate response, having a set range in place (setpoint). Then the control center sends this information to an effector.
- Effector– Structures that receive signals from the control center and correct deviation by negative feedback, thus putting a system back into its normal range.
Remember from above how dopamine in the brain works with substance abuse? But we can actually gain the upper hand by being active in our decisions- including making setpoints for ourselves.
In order to bring a system back to normal, negative feedback is used to regulate it. So when I say, “get negative,” or course I’m not telling you to have a negative outlook on life. What I AM saying is that a system that is out of control will only be put back in control/order by it being regulated by setpoints, carried out by either an internal or external force- and this is negative feedback.
Okay, have I been sufficiently nerdy? Let’s get practical!!
Samples. Check out how William uses all three processes of homeostasis as a married entrepreneur with children, who is also dealing with some alcohol abuse (#2 in each is the setpoint).
1) Financial accounts are reconciled daily by William (outside help oversees them weekly). 2) The business plan was developed with a setpoint of no greater than $100,000 debt. Crossing $50,000 debt signals a problem and requires meeting with the board. 3) If the setpoints are not honored, the board has full power and autonomy to enact established strategies.
1) William’s two year old, Thomas, is running a fever- revealed by his behavior, and then it was gauged with a thermometer. 2) If 24 hours pass with a fever over 100 F- or at any point it goes beyond 103 F- the setpoint has been crossed. 3) Visit the doctor immediately.
1) Extra money was left over- discovered in the budget by William’s wife, Katie. 2) They determine no more than $10,000 will be spent on a kitchen remodel. The goal is $8,500; beyond the goal is a warning flag. 3) At the $8,500 mark, a conversation will be held with the contractor to hold to the budget.
1) After running into various troubles with alcohol, William considered his personal/family values and health recommendations. 2) A setpoint was made: only 2 drinks or less daily. 3) If this line is crossed, the commitment is to have an entire month sober. If this cannot be done, it is agreed on with his support team to increase treatment (e.g., go to a group, go to counseling).
Got the hang of it? These steps can be applied to about anything, though I mostly use the Setpoints Exercise (click on the link below to access!) to help increase ownership and boundaries with addictions. It’s a straightforward way to get honest with anything you are facing, the amount of help you need, and what supports can get you there. This concept has helped assist many of my clients to face problems squarely, and in turn, to be more successful and realistic in addressing life challenges. Give it a try!
Get your free SetPoint Worksheet, created for clients in my practice, by clicking here.
While purchasing my Kung Pao Chicken with steamed rice yesterday, the young lady at the counter put on gloves to handle money (she normally doesn’t). Though I always appreciate an extra measure of hygiene, she stated she was nervous about Ebola. This week, the nation discovered that the first U.S. case of naturally occurring Ebola showed up in a patient at a hospital in Dallas. Panic for some has ensued concerning Ebola- much more than other riskier conditions. But why?
Let’s look at the numbers. Tens of thousands of people die every flu-season from influenza in the U.S. This number has peaked at 49,000 people per year, according to the CDC. 0 have died in the US from Ebola so far (as of October 3rd, 2014). Zero. Just over 3,300 people have died from Ebola- over the span of 50 years! Don’t get me wrong, Ebola poses a significant threat and is not the same as the flu, but does it deserve some of the extreme responses it’s getting? Is it reasonable for parts of Dallas to become a zoo? Unfortunately, some media outlets are using fear to make a buck. And people all over social media are blowing up posts of doom and gloom. We all know the saying, “Sex Sells.” But what does that have to do with Ebola? A lot, I assure you.
I work regularly with disorders such as Panic, PTSD, OCD, Addiction, and Phobias. The reasons a person experiences these problems is multi-faceted. However, one of the commonalities of each is that they are “disorders of the limbic system.”
Neuroscience has offered some great insights into brain functioning in recent years. Our Limbic System is a section of the lower rear brain where much of our protective instincts, sexual drive, and hunger drive is thought to originate. This is different from the Prefrontal Cortex, which is where our “executive” functioning comes in- using self-control, deciding how to approach situations- rational thought. Of course both are important (these are simplistic definitions). If something triggers our fight/flight/freeze response, it is mostly originating in the limbic system. These responses can help us gear-up for survival and protection (think: Bear Grylls). Many problems that occur in life are ones born out of managing our limbic system: fear, anger, difficulty controlling desires, and an inability to regulate emotions.
A case in point, with panic disorder, a client will feel overwhelming physical and/or mental duress, and their anxiety will shoot through the roof for a short period of time- all in the absence of a threat to their immediate well-being. In counseling, my job is to help clients find hope and experience freedom in the midst of this. And this goes contrary to being controlled by the limbic system.
Back to Ebola. How do we handle a threat such as this? We face it for what it is. One of the most important things in mental health is to tell ourselves the truth. If we face reality for what it is- good, bad, and ugly- we will respond soberly. And this gives us a better ability to confront threats for what they are: to make smart decisions about health and contamination, research options available and new possibilities, accept what can’t be changed, and find peace in the midst of suffering. Then we can evaluate what is or is not a threat- realistically. This is a powerful counter for limbic system disorders.
But wait, that doesn’t sell. It doesn’t grab people’s attention. To stay rational and at peace, we usually have to go counter-cultural to messages around us. Many people get rich every day playing off of people’s limbic system reactions (remember, sex sells). If we can market to the brain’s “pleasure center,” people will crave more. If we can rouse fear, attention will be won. If we can play off of a sense of not being good enough without the newest gadget, any product can be sold.
Messages swirl around us at all times, including mixed messages about Ebola. How will you handle it? How will you respond? Sex sells. Fear sells. But you get to choose what you buy.
Possibly the simplest definition of intimacy is this: knowing another and being known. Intensity is defined as strength, power, or force- in relationship terms, it’s getting a surge of whatever makes a person feel good. Intimacy is developed over time, with patience, with love, with understanding, with compassion, with sacrifice. Intensity happens quickly and fades quickly- it is not long lasting. Those that trade it for intimacy will find themselves dissatisfied and using people like objects.
The implications of this are profound. It has changed the way I look at relationships. I have been a “thrill-seeker.” Oh no, you never would see me cliff-diving, jumping out of airplanes, or swimming with sharks. I learned to seek intensity in subtle ways- especially with people. I would feed off of the praise of others; I would pursue the “high” of new connections; I would live for recognition. I became aware of this through support, seeing my own counselor, and study. You see, I made a major error- I substituted intensity for intimacy.
They are not the same thing.
This concept is important in understanding Addiction, Bipolar, Personality Disorders, and just plain ol’ dysfunctional relationship patterns. For instance, with addiction, a person adapts to the world and copes using a substance or person or thing as if it were a relationship- gaining comfort, support, investing time and energy, and to soothe pain. I commonly hear addicts say that their addiction became their best friend. Of course, the problem with relying on an intense “high” to feel better is that our brains weren’t made to sustain constant highs. Our brains will normalize to constant surges of feel-good intensity (aka, dopamine highs), and then we naturally begin to feel depressed when we don’t have this now “normal” high. The classic term for this is ‘tolerance.’
Healthy relationships don’t run on constant highs. Hear me out: good, healthy relationships can give the greatest satisfaction and offer wonderful highs. But this is not all the time. They require consistency, work, patience, suffering, and perseverance. This goes way beyond just romantic relationships. Running after intensity leaves a person “high and dry,” trying to be satisfied in ways they were not created to be fulfilled. The substitute kills. The real thing fulfills.