dating

Stages of Courtship

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Who of us has gotten an education on how to romantically pursue another person?  Taken a class?  Learned steps and stages of courtship?  But how many of us would say that having romantic relationships is one of the most important facets of life?  I am often surprised that I didn’t really even learn anything about stages of romance/courtship until well after my graduate studies in counseling, despite the importance of it.  Now is never too late.  Grab a seat, a warm drink, and prepare for class, ya’ll.

Dr. Patrick Carnes (2010), expert on addictions and intimacy, suggests 12 stages of courtship based on his research.  [By the way, “courtship” here is just a reference to the development of a romantic relationship.]  He states, “One problem is that there is no systematic and reliable way in our culture to learn the basics of courtship.  You probably never attended a course that taught you how to appropriately and successfully flirt.  Courtship failure can mean that you start repetitive patterns because what you do does not work.  So it is important to learn the basic elements of courtship.”  Let’s go!

  1. Noticing

When we see attractive traits in another, this is called noticing.  Along with seeing the good, we can screen for traits that don’t fit us.  Being discriminating is part of this.  In an existing relationship, we must stay aware of traits that are desirable in the other person.

  1. Attraction

Though the first part of courtship is noticing attractive traits, this next level involves feeling the attraction- while considering acting on it.  Curiosity ensues.  To do this well (and not make stupid choices), a person must be able to determine what is suitable for themselves in relationship.  For existing relationships, flexibility with change/unknown is still essential- discovery must continue.  It is discovery that drives passion.  It also can keep relationships strong over time.

  1. Flirtation

Once the “target” has been acquired (haha, joking), flirtation sends information that conveys interest and attraction.  Various cues are sent and received- knowing when this is appropriate requires being functional (not dysfunctional).  Long-term love relationships continue to flirt.

  1. Demonstration

The next part of the process is demonstration, where a person displays what they bring to the table- whether skills, physical traits, abilities, etc.  If the receiver is interested in the “sent” message, the sender experiences great pleasure.

  1. Romance

This is when we express (and receive) passion.  Not only are we aware of attraction and express it, but vulnerability occurs.  This involves risk, of course.  Self-worth is required in receiving true expressions of love.  Furthermore, this necessary self-worth means determining the accuracy of the other person’s involvement- as opposed to a projection/imagined feelings.  Carnes cuts to the core with this question: “Are the people selected consistently positive, or bad choices for you?”

  1. Individuation

Being an authentic human being, aka, YOU is necessary- no, essential- for good relationship.  If intimacy is about knowing and being known, how can this occur if you aren’t honest with who you are?  Loving relationships do not wield control over another- “FOG,” i.e., fear, obligation, and guilt.  You can be free to be truthful with what you think and feel, all the while being respectful and caring for the other.  A healthy person can survive the tension of not having the other person be exactly the same.  [For more on this topic, check out Extraordinary Relationships by Roberta M. Gilbert, M.D.]

  1. Intimacy

The passion of early relationship will fade.  Let me say this again: the passion of early relationship WILL fade.  It is not meant to stay at the “honeymoon” high forever.  Here’s what’s special: there is opportunity to deepen.  It can become more meaningful.  Vulnerability (that knows the other person more fully and lets oneself be known) incredible.  Of course, this is much, much harder than the natural “click” of falling in love- because it takes work, sacrifice, maturity.

  1. Touching

For physical touch to be beneficial, it must be underscored by care, good judgment, and trust.  It respects the context and another person’s boundaries.  Without another’s consent, touch destroys trust.  However, great healing can come from respectful touch, seen most markedly in those who have not received it in a caring way.

  1. Foreplay

Passion- as expressed sexually- builds through foreplay.  Examples are holding, kissing, fondling, general sexual play, and (don’t forget) verbal expressiveness.  This exciting stage is often reported as the best part of sex, though in our fast-paced culture, it is often rushed or missed altogether.

  1. Intercourse

Surrender.  The best sex requires the ability to let go, trust the other person and yourself with being transparent.  Many couples struggle with this because of control or trust challenges.  Making love well presupposes abandonment to the other.

  1. Commitment

Being able to form meaningful relationships of depth necessitates commitment.  Stability occurs when commitment and faithfulness are present.  Relationships of significance offer connection that is craved- commitment cements the foundation.

  1. Renewal

The mature are able to maintain and sustain each courtship dimension (i.e., “keep dating”) in an ongoing relationship when it is best for them to stay in it.  They let the other know consistently that they are valuable; they share in deep meaning; they take responsibility for problems; they move beyond habit and neurochemical highs to the continual renewal of their relationship.

The implications of this work are too numerous to write in a single post.  Hopefully it can help you to consider how you might approach a current or future relationship- or how you have in the past.  Understand that these dimensions are descriptive, meaning they are observations on how healthy relationships progress.  This also means they are not necessarily prescriptive, i.e., they don’t say exactly what to do or when a relationship is to begin or end.  With courtship: be excited / be thoughtful.  Relationships have great power to help and heal or hurt and harm.

Yours truly,

Justin K. Hughes

Each of the stages and their descriptions can be found here:
Carnes, P. (2010). Facing the shadow: Starting sexual and relationship recovery (2nd ed.).Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press.
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Attracting Bad Relationships: How You Become a Jerk-Magnet

How did this happen again?  Do I have a sign on my face that says, ‘Take advantage of me’? 

A common counseling topic is addressing habitual and self-destructive patterns in relationships.  For the person that keeps getting stuck and attracting the same jerk over and over again, I have good news: there are clear, identifiable characteristics that actually do make you a magnet for certain types of people.

Addictions, compulsive, and impulsive behavior.  Each of these keep us from feeling true emotions; they insulate us from reality.  And in so doing, they keep us from seeing things as they truly are.
Betrayal Bonds and patterns of abuse.  In the classic work, Betrayal Bonds, renowned addiction specialist Dr. Patrick Carnes poignantly notes that people who experience trauma in relationships (and who don’t deal with the trauma) are often bound in some way to the same person/type who deeply, and often repeatedly, hurts them.
Codependency.  A person who is codependent finds their identity in fixing others and ensuring everything goes well.  In so doing, they often lose their own sense of self and boundaries.  See Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Cognitive distortions.  If you have harmful thought patterns that are not based in truth, you won’t be in touch with what’s really going on or what is actually needed to be healthy.  See Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns.
Depression.  Low motivation and energy along with hopelessness all make healthy decisions difficult, especially if another person fills a void.
Lack of Direction or Spiritual Anchor.  Confusion as to who you are and what you are doing with your life goes hand-in-hand with picking the wrong person.  If you don’t know who you are, how can you express yourself and be understood?
Law of Complementary Personalities.  The saying, ‘opposites attract,’ often is true when it comes to negative relationship styles.  For example, a passive person pairs with an aggressive person, often attracted to their leadership (or on the flip side, attracted to how easy-going the other is).  Someone who is pathologically controlling must find someone who can be pathologically controlled.  The two fit together like sweet tea on hot Texas day.
Learned Helplessness.  Elephants who are originally chained down will later believe they can’t escape when they only are held by a flimsy rope connected to a stake in the ground.  Have you learned helplessness?  Do you stay in a relationship because you don’t think it will get any better, or because it would get a lot worse if you made changes?
Love Addiction.  When a person is addicted to the “high” of falling in love, often they miss important signs and signals and get into unhealthy relationships.  Check out Pia Mellody’s Facing Love Addiction.
Poor Emotion Management.  Not knowing how to identify and regulate emotions leads to a lack of self-control and direction.
Training.  I love the phrase: We train others how to treat us.  Examples are letting people into your personal space, not letting someone know they’ve harmed you, and not telling others your wants/needs.  All of these train others.  Do you stand up for respect and honor for yourself and others?
Self-Esteem Issues.  If we look hyper-negatively at ourselves, any person who seems to boost our self-view will make do.
Self-sabotage.  Due to insecurity, a person fears getting something good, so they inadvertently or intentionally damage opportunities.  Too much potential threat is involved.
Toxic Shame.  If you consistently see your value as worthless, you won’t make decisions to secure respect and love.  A great read on this is John Bradshaw’s work, Healing the Shame That Binds You.

 

These are just a beginning.  Knowing underlying patterns is only a start to changing them.  If you see yourself in these descriptions, write it out and talk to a trusted person about what you want to change.  After all, acknowledging a problem is the BIG first step.  If you need more help, this is why counselors exist!

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Bad Romance?

It’s Just Lunch claims to be “The world’s #1 personalized matchmaking service.”[1]  Flying on a plane, the article caught my attention.  This service, amidst the growing trend of supercharged dating, offers professional help.  This time, it’s personal.

They search for “interesting, like minded individuals,” taking away the grueling task of locating the next prospect of your love life.  This service especially gears its advertising towards busy professionals.  Too far?

When I found out about this service, my gut reaction was, “Really?”  Does a person really need a professional to help them locate that “special someone?”  But of course, the once crazy idea of online dating is responsible for a huge percentage of marriages (and even more relationships).  Match.com utilizes cutting edge, scientific processes and psychology to develop matches.  And the truth is, there are successful and unsuccessful relationships arranged by various means.  I don’t have the stats concerning the most successful methods as related to satisfaction, stability, and length of relationship.  What I can speak to are the psychological and relational principles that lead to emotional health.

IJL states, “We know dating can be frustrating and disappointing, but it doesn’t have to be.”    Truth: all relationships of any depth will have frustrations and disappointments in them.  Can they minimize that?  Possibly.  Get rid of them?  Nope.  Truth: helping a person play “the game” better doesn’t guarantee long-term success in a relationship, only possible short-term success in minimizing stress and finding someone.  Truth: good relationships take hard work, so if you bypass it at one level, more power to you.  You can’t bypass all of it.  Healthy couples do their utmost to be…healthy.

Call me old-fashioned, but service and selflessness is also a part of healthy relationships.  When the focus is inherently on my needs and my wants when I want it, it can be easy to miss out on loving the other person- especially when they are hard to love.  With any amount of time, we all are hard to love. Then, when a person is focused solely on their needs and wants, surprise, surprise!  That person you fell in love with starts to cheat on you because you are “no fun anymore” or “you don’t get me.”  Possibly the most famous marriage researchers, the Gottmans, have quantitatively shown again and again how the ability to manage conflict well in a relationship is its number one predictor of success.[2]  And that takes work.

Conclusion?  IJL may be a great service.  If you are seeking to be emotionally healthy as a person and in a relationship (and finding a healthy person), please consider the importance of pursuing measures to develop yourself in healthy ways.  No professional service magically makes that appear.  Not even counseling.